The New Bubby
I just went to drop my baby off at the babysitter. A woman I didn’t recognize was conversing with the babysitter, who introduced her to me as her aunt. The aunt was beaming. Her daughter had just given birth. She was clearly very excited and filled with joy at being able to help out with her grandchild, the new baby’s older sibling. I watched as she happily packed up the little girl’s diaper bag; she was so proud that she knew which sandwich her granddaughter would enjoy for lunch. It was so nice and sweet.
But it hurt. Pain that had been long buried surfaced once again. I remember my mother’s joy when she had a new grandchild. She excitedly made call after call to share the good news. She really wanted to share her simchah with the whole world. She was thrilled to come help out with the other kids, to keep the house running and to hold that precious newborn. Even now I can see her happiness and feel the joy and pride she experienced.
But I don’t have that anymore. A number of grandchildren have been born, with neither my mother nor my father present to bask in that nachas.
Nachas in Olam Haba
I think – I hope – they had nachas in Olam Haba. So it isn’t their pain that hurts, it is my pain. I almost wanted to say to the new grandmother today, “Do you realize how lucky you are to be alive for this simchah? Does your daughter realize how lucky she is to have a mother who is beaming with joy and full of excited energy to help out?”
But I didn’t. Because that would have seemed to be coming from out of the blue and would surely have made for an awkward conversation.
I Do Have a Lot
Instead, I stepped out of myself and I looked at what I do have. B”H, I have a lot of berachah in my life. Who knows what I might have that others yearn for?
I am lucky that I have a close relationship with my sisters. I am lucky that I have such wonderful children. I am lucky that my husband is a kind and gentle person. I am lucky that Hashem has given me tools to deal with tough situations in life. I am lucky for strong, solid friendships.
I can go on and talk about the house I live in, the car I drive, my health, B”H, and my husband’s steady paycheck.
It’s true that I miss my family. There is no question about that. I yearn for them. And yes, seeing other, intact families will remind me of that yearning. The pain will never completely dissipate. But I don’t have nothing. I have a lot. Throughout life as I function and cope as a regular person, there are times when the pain subsides and times when it is triggered by various circumstances. It is part of dealing with loss. But even when something triggers my grief, I can accept it as part of the loss and as part of the journey Hashem has mapped out for me. Of course I want more. And fighting that desire won’t make me stop wanting more. But thanking Hashem for what I do have will.
It is okay to want everything. But Hashem is in charge. And He knows what I really need. He knows what is ultimately in my best interest. And He is helping me to be okay with what I do have.
That itself is a big berachah – to be content with exactly what I have. Who could ask for more?
Chevrah Lomdei Mishnah / The Society for Mishnah Study is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization dedicated to providing loved ones eternal merit through Torah Study and Prayer.
