Mindy Blumenfield

Hi, everybody. Thank you so much for joining me here today on the Relief from Grief podcast. Today’s podcast is sponsored Li’iluy  Nishmas Shimon Hillel Ben Chaim Yitzchak Isaac. Today Mrs. Mindy Blumenfeld is here, Mrs. Mindy Blumenfeld is a licensed clinical social worker, a columnist in the BINAH and a well known author.

Thank you so much, Mindy, for coming on. I really appreciate it. Yes, thank you so much for having me. I’m so glad to be here. Yes, it took a while, right? I think we spoke originally like, I don’t know, I think it was at least at the end of the summer, I don’t know, seven months ago, six months ago. Yes, yeah, that’s right.

So let’s talk about a book that is gonna be coming out very soon, right? It’s not out yet, is it? Yes, it’ll be out like right before purim, like I think in March 8th, it’ll be in the bookstores. Okay, so March 8th, there will be a new book in the bookstores called Hillel and the Paper menchies. So, could you tell us what it’s all about?

Yes, okay. So what happened was, is when my son was six years old, his name is Hillel, Hillel was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And when he went into remission three months later, I had written a book, I had been taking pictures of the hospital. I went to the emergency room, we was taken originally,, I gathered all the pictures.

I had been taking pictures all along his journey. I’ve no idea why, ask me. And then afterwards, we actually went back because I knew I was going to do this book for him. So I took him back to all our haunts. We went to the radiation place. We went to the. Emergency room. We went back to different parts of the hospital, different places.

 We went to the pediatric ward, to the, you know, all different places. And we kind of like just took pictures and everyone was so excited to see us. Like they were all, you know, hello, we remember you. This is so wonderful. Like at that point he was in remission and, uh, everyone was just so excited.

We took pictures and then I created a book. in order to help him process his experiences. I mean, he was six years old, diagnosed with cancer, had radiation treatment. He was in a wheelchair, he had physical therapy, it was huge. , he got lots, loads of presents and stuff.

You know, it was still a difficult journey for a little kid, and he took it with equanimity, like really? Okay. But I figured no matter how okay he is, I want him in some way to process his journey. So I did all these pictures and then, and put them into, and I wrote like a, and I wrote like a book for him, I gave a copy to his neuro oncologist.

I gave a copy to his neurosurgeon and I gave them all a copy. And then he all had it and he was. And he literally read it all the time. He showed it to his friends. He took it to school in the bungallow County, you know, for a few years after that on the day of his surgery, like commemorating it, he took it out again and we kind of like had it like lying out, my mother had it lying out on her, coffee table the family just picked it up, different cousins, and everyone just kind of like picked it up, looked at it, read it.

And, and then eventually he got too old for it. And it kind of like it went back on the shelf and that was it. And then a few years ago, he was nifter from his brain tumor. And I took out the book again and said, you know, something, it was such a wonderful book. And I really feel that other children can use it as well.

And I felt like, really, I should publish it. So I approached Mark Loomer. Mark Loomer is a, is a phenomenal illustrator. I’m sure many of you are familiar with his books. He illustrated Hashem is there. He wrote and illustrated Benny and the , mitzvah notes, and his books are still selling 15 years later.

I loved his style because his style is like just happy and colorful and just adorable cute and fun and lively and I just wanted that kind of atmosphere for the book. I don’t want to use the real pictures I wanted him to create, like his whimsical adorable fun loving light hearted pictures. And I’ll just add in over here that that’s totally your personality also. Someone that’s always happy and sees the positive and is funny to be around. Yeah, he doesn’t think it’s funny because when I got in contact with, with Mr. Loomer and I sent him the book and I said, would you illustrate it? And he goes, Like, this is a book about a kid who has a brain tumor.

I said, I know, but it wasn’t a sad event, and I don’t want it to make it a, it’s not a sad book. It’s really a triumphant book. It’s adorable, I want something that’s, that just like shows like, just like the resilience of a child and how a child is really just happy. And I mean, look at all those presents piled up in his bed.

There were like 50 billion presents, like, like I made like an entire pile. I said, I want to convey the resilience and the strength of a child to be able to overcome challenges. Like, this is not a sad book at all. You know, like he’s fine. So, you know, because he had known at that point that Hilell died.

So he said, my kind of illustrations. I said, I know that’s exactly what I want. I want that because life is joyous. You know, whatever those years are, they’re just like, it’s a joyous life is joyous. And he had a really joyous life. And anyways, I said, and that book, but the book that I’m writing is about like just that first three months.

It’s not about after it’s really just, this book is about a child who faces a challenge and overcomes it. And the book ends with him going back to school and really overcoming the challenge. So he said, okay. And that started a two year collaboration in creating this book, and it’s called Hillel and the Paper Menchies.

And what was the main thing, and who are the paper menchies? So what happened was that, you know, I read to my kids tons of books. Like, I literally read books all the time. So, and I also was a librarian in a school. So really, like, kids books and me, it’s like we’re best friends. And what happened was that , even before we knew that he was sick, it was in the summer.

He didn’t have school. He decided he was a day camp dropout and I didn’t mind, like he was my only kid at home that summer. And it was just like, and I loved his company. He was like just adorable fun. And I just thought we’re going to spend the summer together and have just a good time. But like he had something, we thought it was the flu.

We thought it was just like a virus. And he couldn’t concentrate on the pictures or like on reading a book. So I don’t know what happened, but I just remembered my own childhood in which there was like the, like these set of quadruplets or quintuplets that there were a bunch of adventures literally like I’ve done that.

It just like rolled out of my head. And I said, hillel, let me tell you a story about Hilly, pilly shimmy and Shmaya, Like it literally just like, I have no idea, the names just like rolled off my tongue. I mean, I know how they happened. Hilli, is for Hillel, and Shimi is for Shimin, and that’s his name, Shimin Hillel.

And then Pili just rhymed, and then Shmaaya just like felt good with Shimin, and it was a friend of his in class. Maya was his friend and it, and, you know, interestingly enough, ironically enough, this Shmaya, like two or three years later, he ended up having diabetes. And it was so interesting that Hillel and that he was completely, I also, like his parents are wonderful and completely comfortable bringing his, uh, insulin.

And he talked about it openly in the class. And I often wonder is because Hillel was so open with his cancer that it made it just so easy for Shmaaya and his parents to also just like bring it into the class because Hillel came home and he goes, Oh, Shmaaya has this and that, and you get shots. And he was like very like, Oh, and Shmaaya has this and that.

So whatever the case is, is that, so this became the quadruplets  And when, and when Mr. Loomer looked over my book, he said, I think this book is about these quadruplets. I think this is who the book is about, Hillel and these paper menschies, because what happened was is that, I started telling him stories and when Hillel had to undergo radiation treatment, I really had no idea, but they had never given a child that young radiation without using anesthesia.

So, which means he was six years old then, and he was the youngest child. to have radiation without  anesthesia, which means he was awake the entire time that he was alone in a room and he, he needed to be extremely still and lie very, very flat and still, and not move for about 45 minutes to an hour.

Now Hillel really was a fabulous kid and I knew that he could do it. So I said, I told the doctors, Oh, anesthesia, we don’t need anesthesia. We could just. And they said, yeah. And I said, yeah. And they saw Hillel in the hospital and they said, you know, if you say it’s possible, you know, we’ll go along with you.

And what I did was, is that outside of the radiation room was a microphone that technicians used. To speak to Hillell, like Hillell. Are you okay? Press the button if you need something and and I was like literally in this tiny little room hunched over this microphone and for 45 minutes for an hour. I told hello every day for 33 days.

A story about Hilly, Pily Shimmy abd Shmiah. Wow. And he loved those stories and it kept him still. and that’s where Mr. Loomer. He said, okay. And then we called it Hillel and the Paper Menchies. So this book is just like really an adorable book. It’s not a book about cancer. It’s not a book about a brain tumor.

It’s really about a book about any child that has a challenge, which kid isn’t worried about doing well in school, which kid isn’t worried that they’re not good at sports, which kid isn’t worried about. All different kinds of things. I mean, all kids today, who’s not in speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, going out with tutors, you know, worrying that in camp, they got, are they going to have friends in school, which means which kids don’t like deal with , their feelings , of being worried and sad , and maybe even mad.

So this book is about Hillel and the paper, men, she’s and how they fight against like, , they’re like antagonists. sad, mad and scared, who are also characters in the book. So this is kind of like what happens, and it’s really just like a, and if you look at the illustrations, they’re just like these adorable, just freewheeling, like funny, kind of illustrations showing an adorable kid full of personality.

Um, and it was, he’s actually depicted as a Chassidish  kid in the writing, which again, if you don’t know Hasidic, you wouldn’t realize, but you see like the dangling pay is like, you just like to see all those things. And then you just like, I see this kid though. No. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So that’s why it was so much fun that like, Mr.

Loomer said, yeah, let’s go ahead. Let’s make him chassidish  in the story. And it’s just so nice because that’s who he was. And it’s also very beautiful because it shows a sense of humor. It shows the kid’s resilience, and it also shows the kid’s faith , and honestly, like I guess, im prejudice  of his mother, it really also shows the support of the parents.

Because in the book, you see the pictures of the mother and the father and how the kid tells the father, it’s not fair. And the father says, Hashem is here, you know, even if you don’t see, him. And it’s the mother who says. I know you can’t go , into the room,, it’s maybe scary to go into the room by yourself, but look, , here’s who can come into the room with you, and you have the paper menchie, , she kind of draws on her pad of paper, and Hillel brings them alive, and brings them into the room with him, and they become animated, they become animated.

you know, they become alive in his imagination. And this way he overcomes like his feelings of like sad and mad and scared. And it’s also how he overcomes it. And all through the book is how they’re like fighting with each other. And just like, I really, and they’re adorable characters, like you can’t see because we’re on audio, but like you see the paper mentions are these adorable cutouts.

You see those three, kind of like little facts. So sad, mad, and scared, colorful little creatures and how Hillel works through his emotions. So it’s really just like a fun, adorable book. And it’s meant for ages, like, let’s say five to 11. But you know what, the mark of a really, um, successful book of a real literary book, because this book is actually like a classic and a literary book that makes kids think and think and learn is the fact that an adult really enjoys it as well.

 Like any adult that reads it. Like there are so many layers, like there’s a play on words, there’s alliteration, there’s assonance, there’s, there’s all kinds of like, smart stuff in the book that kids enjoy. adults really get and really get a kick out of it and the illustrations and to me like putting out this book feels like another way to honor Hillel’s memory of really that fabulous resilient kid that he was at six years old already and how he really managed just really just like with just joy and vibrancy and acceptance and really like and really has very strong faith in Hashem like he was really from a little kid.

I remember one day he he goes my he goes like he was six years old and I’m sitting next to his bed and I don’t know what I was doing and he goes my he goes you’re not saying tehillim you know like like say tehillim you know he was just so connected so connected so this is really like what I’ve done.

One of the many things that I do in honor of his memory, and I really hope that I know that parents who will buy this book will, it’ll resonate with all children, with any child, not just this child, with children, their siblings, parents even , and give voice. and give a language for children to speak about their challenges, whatever they are, whether they’re afraid they don’t have friends or they’re not going to do well on their test, it opens that up.

And it’s something that really like we tried very much to do with Hillel, with our other children, and even with our nieces and nephews and everyone who kind of was part of our journey together. So I’m excited to see it. I mean, I saw some of it, but it was the PDF of it. So I’m excited to actually, you know, hold the physical copy and look through it.

So I think this resilience and these, you know, Middos or character traits that , he had and was strengthened from these puppets. Like, did you see it like when he was older and he got sick again and like you saw him carry it through his whole life? Yes, actually, he really was like this all the time. Um, I think a lot of it is that we were very open with him.

Like when he was six years old, you were open. It was part of our life. Um, we just were there with him. You know what I’m saying? It was never a secret. He never kept their secret from anybody. It was just part of all of our lives. He spoke about it openly and he really had that resilience all throughout, Let’s say when he was an 11, he relapsed when he was 11 years old and we told him about it.

You know, we prepared him for it and forget the pre surgical testing. And obviously it was a shock to his system because at 11 years old, he understood the ramifications more than when he was six years old. And you know what? And it was, again, we were in the car. We were in the car, like, going back from the Bungallow colony to the city.

So for two and a half hours, we were processing it, just, you know, the three of us, my husband and I and him. And then when he got home, , the first thing he did was that he called my son in Eretz Yisrael and, , just needed to schmooze with him. And then the next day he, like, literally, it was not actually the next day, whatever, it’s a long story, but the day afterwards, he literally called the boys in camp.

Because he had left camp and he told his counselor, he told his Rebbe in  camp. And he literally spoke to every single kid and just told his story. So there’s something about telling your story that is so therapeutic. You know, I love saying that as a therapist, right? Come a therapist.

It was so therapeutic and him processing his story. really allowed him, it freed him up to do what he needed to do. And then his faith was very strong. He loved to daven and he was a good davener, like a kid that like paid attention to his davening. Um, he really, he translated his experiences really in a very, in a very strong way.

It was only after he was Nifter that his 10th grade. You know, his 10th grade, um, Rebbe told me, he says, you know, he says that when Hillel used to go for his month, his like every six months he went for his MRIs. This is the question he asked his Rebbe, he says, you know, Rebbe, he says, I have to go to Manhattan, he says, and I’m exposed to not, nice things like women who are not dressed Tzinusdickly  or, advertisements and yeah, but he says,

I’m thinking that maybe it’s just better , if I don’t wear my glasses or my lenses, he says, and my parents won’t even realize that I’m not wearing , my lenses because I wear glasses too. So they won’t realize they’ll just think that I’m wearing my lenses and this way, I don’t have to make an issue about it.

He says, you know, , and honestly, I have to tell you something when my, when the Rebbe told me this story, I was so stunned because I remember I was sitting with him one time in the doctor’s office by the MRI. And I remember thinking that he was like, literally like staring.

I was thinking he was like, let’s say a 14 I was thinking, hillel  really a good boy. I’m surprised that he’s like looking around because it’s talking like not to sneeze the things over. I was a little bit surprised. I’m not saying anything. You know, I’m saying is his his from cut is not my responsibility.

You know, I mean, at that accused a good boy like I’m not taking charge of that. Right. And And I was kind of surprised I didn’t say anything and I only knew a few years later that that’s what he had been doing. , and I’ll tell you even more, let’s say for example, let’s say as, you know, in the MRI, he was in the MRI like for 45 minutes to an hour each time, you know, just as like a regular follow up to see if everything was okay.

 And when he was like I’m 14, 15, the new MRIs had the capability that you were able to watch a video while you were doing it, or you were able to listen to music. And I said, hillel , I said, you know, we could bring in, we could have put in any video or music that we had.

Now, first of all, I knew he would never watch a video because we did not ever watch videos. Like that’s another whole story. I’ve written many articles about that, , I think my kids never snuck videos because that’s all kids do, but officially we did not do video games, watch videos, none of that kind of stuff.

Like they, instead they played Monopoly and Stratego. They didn’t do that kind of things. So I knew he wasn’t going to watch a video, even like Jewish video, because that’s just not our thing. We didn’t want to waste time with that. But music, you know, music to distract yourself, you know, for 45 minutes, you know, he couldn’t really listen to a shiur.

He couldn’t listen to a share on the video because the, the MRI machine, like, would we’d be like, like banging. It was like a banging noise. It was like just music that you just like distract yourself, but not listening to a shiur. So I knew that too. I would say hello. I said, you know, like, do you want to, and he would say, no, mom, I’m fine.

I’m fine. I’m fine. No, it’s no problem. And you know what? Again, like he’s a big boy, he takes responsibility. But the Rebbe told me that Hillel had said, Rebbe, I’m going for an MRI. He says, I don’t want to waste my time during the MRI says, give me some questions, give me some Kashas in  learning that I could reflect on during the MRI that that I could use that time to think of the answers.

So one of those times the Rebbe asked him, so Hillel, I gave you the kashas, what did you come up with? So he said, one kasha I have an answer for, one kasha I’m in the middle of thinking about, but he got to tell you the truth, he says, I fell asleep during the rest of it. You know, so that really was, he was very, like, he really used all his resiliency and again, he had a good sense of humor.

He really did. He had a really good sense of humor. I mean, I’ve said this, , in numerous occasions, like, when the doctor had told me he was dying and he comes home from the doctor and I said, Hillel, like what’s this about the doctor saying that you’re dying? And he goes, my, he says, the doctor is worried about death because he’s not frum, he says, I have Hashem.

I have a purpose in my life. I just, I’m not afraid of dying. I goes, yeah, you know, don’t worry. So then he comes to my mother’s house. We used to go to my mother very often. I wasn’t there. My mother told me afterwards, she goes, hillel, what’s this about your mother telling me, about this dying business.

So he goes, Bobby says, you don’t need to worry. He goes, he says, you know how life, life is both ups and downs. He says, well, for me, he life is one down and the rest is up. Like, it’s fine. Like after death it’s all up. There’s Gan Eiden , there’s schar, there’s, wonderful thing.

He goes, it’s fine, he goes, no, no. He goes like this death is one down and the rest is up. Instead of laughing. He was a funny kid, you know? He was, yeah. So he really did. Um, and I think honestly , it was really us as parents. It was our attitude. Like I really believe, not that I’m taking credit for how, special he was, but I am as a parent and as a therapist taking credit for the, that the reason why he was able to bring out all his strength and humor and talent and resiliency, because It was such an open kind of conversation.

Like the fact that I called my mother and , I said, Ma, this is the story. And, I calmed her down. I, you know, and I told her, Ma, this is what we need to do. And because I was calm, she was calm. And if she was calm, then when he came, she was able to do what she needed to do.

And, you know, kind of things like that. , and then it impacted my siblings and their children, it was all just part of just the calm, the calmness of our lives in this, cause I’m, I’m writing, I’m actually also writing a memoir about Hillel that im yerzta  Hashem would be coming out around Sukkot, Emet Hashem.

 And I interviewed my children and I said, tell me what it was like for you all those years. And, you know, like, so when my kids said, she goes, you know, I’m really embarrassed to say, she goes like, it doesn’t sound normal, she goes like, like, honestly, it didn’t affect our lives. It was. You know, you and Tatty were really fine the whole time.

So Hillel was fine and everything was just normal in the house. It was, it just felt normal. She goes, looking back, I know probably it wasn’t normal, she says, but like it just felt okay. Like it didn’t feel, and then I spoke to my other three sons, like one was like away most of the time, cause he was in yeshiva then.

But that was it. They said, yeah. , it’s embarrassing to say, but like, we really like, we didn’t think about it too much, we didn’t think about Hillel too much, like, he wasn’t like such a important thing on our mind, like he was living his life, he was going to, he was going to camp, okay, well, he’s a little brother and, we didn’t pay too much attention to the fact that he had cancer.

do parents today, like mothers that lost children and they talk to you, if they talk to you, I don’t know, as a friend, as a therapist, I don’t know, you know, whatever capacity you like, could they relate to you or are they mostly more like in their own grief and not able to relate to this positive kind of attitude that you have?

So I’ll be really honest with you. Okay. I like the honesty. Yeah. Really honest. So the truth is, is that Yeah. Yeah. I know I’m a little unusual. I do know that my attitude is a little bit different. And I also know that everyone’s journey is a little bit different because his brain tumor really, I have to tell you, except for the last few months, he had surgery and rehab.

It didn’t feel like a big deal. Except for the last like five months of his life that which definitely was, it really was draining all the other 10 years was really, really not a big deal. Now again, maybe it’s my attitude. I don’t know because he did have rehabilitation. He did have radiation treatment.

We were going for therapy. I don’t know, but somehow it didn’t feel like a big deal. So I do know I’m unusual in that sense. So for many years, I really didn’t speak to parents when people used to say, you know, my friend lost a child. Can she call you? And I would say, you know, I really don’t want to. There are organizations that have people are happy to speak to them.

And that’s what they want to do. And they’ve, and I’ve in general been very much more comfortable that when organizations are set up to help people, that’s who you go to for help because that’s who want to help. Okay. And this is my personal opinion. Let’s say for example, when I was like, I needed rides to the hospital back and forth all the time, if I would have called anyone in my life, they would have jumped to help me.

But they’ve had to twist themselves around in a pretzel to give me those rides, you know? And it was really just much easier to call up Chessed, which is an organization that gives rides. Those people are set up to give rides, right? So when you ask me about this question, when people, you say, oh, my friend or my sister, and I said, I’m not the right person to call, call Tapestry.

Call Chai Lifeline. You know, if your child is sick, call the volunteers at ChaiLifeline. There are people that this is what they want to do. That’s not what I want to do. So if you’re asking about me, what I found helpful or where I did give Chizzuk, is that I was actually on an online support group. It wasn’t necessarily a Jewish one, but that I found that when, first of all, it wasn’t live.

It was like a chat. Okay. So when I used to go there, I was able to take Chizzuk from the people on the chat and then I was able to post like what my challenges are and get chizuk  and then at the same time when people were, were reaching out and saying like, what do I do, then I was able to answer from the places where I had strength.

So it wasn’t. So when somebody calls me, they want something from me, but you know what? Everyone wants something else. So if it’s on the chat, and I feel I have what to give and I could just answer, but if someone calls me and says, give me chizuk, I’m thinking, I don’t know what, like to me, like, for example, some people like they find chizuk in going to Mekubalim or taking on, , special things or learning or taking on Shabbos early.

That didn’t speak to me. For other people, Chizuk is, you know, tell me it’s going to be okay. That didn’t speak to me either. Like to me, I didn’t wanna hear about all those miracles that happened when he was six years old. And everyone goes, Mindy, my friend had a son and they had a daughter, and now she’s married with 25 children.

 That was completely not chizuk for me. What I wanted to hear at that, even when he was six, when the doctor said, the prognosis is great, he’s gonna live and have kids and be fine. And the doctor actually told that to me that was not chizuk To me, the his to me was like. I want to see all those mothers who do lose a child and they are still living life.

They are still happy. They are still engaged in their life. That’s who I want. That’s where I got my chizuk from. So when you ask me about talking to other parents, I’m really very reluctant because I think everyone finds chizuk in a different place. But what I instead is that all my writing, which means I could, I do a lot of writing.

I’ve written so many things about Hillel when he was sick, so many things about Hillel when he was nifter. And for me, that’s how I give back to parents. And I’ll say, if this, if you’re reading and it gives you chizik, I’m so glad. I’m so glad because this is how I can give chizuk where the things are authentic to me.

Right. You know? So. I don’t know if that’s your answer, but that’s kind of like, I don’t, I don’t talk to parents, even though just recently somebody did reach out and says, my son was just diagnosed with a brain tumor, you know, and for the first time I said, I’m happy to talk to you, like, you know what I’m saying?

And I’m not sure what, maybe it’s, it’s seven years since he was NIFTR, I’m in a different, I don’t know. But I said, sure, reach out, I can talk to you, you know? And then she says, I’m in the hospital, I can’t even talk. I said, you know what? Just reach out whenever you want by text, by email, and that’s it. Just reach out.

And I’m not sure what changed in me. And she hasn’t reached out yet, but I think probably just the knowledge that she can make her life a little bit easier. . Wow. It’s so interesting. What really struck me was that your child was sick. You were told he’s going to be better, but you still wanted to, chizuk for you was those that lost a child and were okay.

That’s very unusual. No. Um, I think because I’m just a realist and I like to cover all my bases. I want to tell you, I had hope until the very end. It’s not as though as realistic as I was and we talked and Hillel and I talked about his death And we and he actually wrote a tzavah in which he wrote about what he wanted from us as his parents after he’s niftar Yeah, he said I want to be buried in Eretz Yisrael I want you to use my money if you don’t have enough money to buy that I know it’s expensive and there’s just, well, you could use the money for my bank account.

If not give the rest of the money for it to tzedaka. So , it was an open conversation. So it’s not, but up until the end, I haven’t said something. I still hoped, I still felt Yeshua Shacham Karifai and anything can happen. It’s not like I, but yeah, so to me, it’s like, there’s always , that hope that I think always has, but I’m always very realistic.

It’s like. I want to just like, this is the hope shore, but I want to also know all the other things and it didn’t. And I also find as a therapist that not, not even want to come to me as a therapist for this reason, I’m a realist. And when someone comes to me with their issues and they say, Mindy, like cheer me on, be my cheerleader.

And I say, I’m not cheerleading you about a good resolution. I’m going to be here. I believe in you as a person that whatever happens in your life, you could overcome it. That’s the belief I bring as a therapist into the office, that I believe in you. What will happen? I have no idea. But I am here that I know that whatever will be, you can do this and you can do it well and you can also have post traumatic growth.

then not only will it go back to as good as it was before, but it’ll actually be even better. Your challenge will bring you to another place. Now, I don’t always say this to my clients. Sometimes when I’m with a client long enough, we could have this discussion, but it’s not so much what I say to them, but it’s how I feel with them.

To me, I come into the therapy room with my clients who are dealing with such terrible challenges. And when I come, is that knowledge that You are wonderful. You have so much inside of you. You can do what you need to do that. Not only that will things be as good as they were, but no, they won’t be the same because life will bring so much more good.

And I say this all the time when I look back to who I was before I went through my growth through my journey with Hillel. I can’t even see the person that I was. I could never go back to that person. I would never want to go back. The person who I am today embraces life in such a richer way. My connection with Hashem is deeper.

My connection with my children, with my grandchildren, with my spouse, with life, with Yiddishkeit, with what’s important to me. Colors are more vibrant. I walk outside. It’s like the colors are more vibrant to my life. Everything is sharper and clearer because of my journey with hillel. My questions of Hashem are so much clearer because I had so many questions.

 Everything is deeper. Of course, I wish Hillel was alive, but I don’t know if I can go back to that person who I was before, you know, and the things I was able to accomplish and who I was able to help because of him. He was the catalyst of so much joy, of so much beauty, of so much depth in my life that I don’t know if I can undo that.

So that’s my belief in all those parents who have lost children or going through any challenges, any kind of loss. , I really believe that. It’s interesting because one mother said to me on the day of my son’s leviah, there was two leviahs, my son’s and the old me, because the old me died, I was never going to be the same again.

And I heard that. And then another mother said to me. I thought I was frum, but when my child died, suddenly I became really frum, and it was just interesting with the way the different mothers, you know, say it in different perspectives. And you know what? Not only are you listening to different mothers, but you might be listening to different mothers at different stages of their journey, right?

Sometimes that would be, would be sometimes. Those comments will all be the same person just at different places of their journey. Right, right. You know, and, and that’s how I view all of people, like when they come into my office or out, you might be that same mother, just at different places in your journey.

And that’s my belief in you as a person. If I threw my articles and that’s my belief in you as a client, when you walk into my room, whatever that challenges. Wow. It’s really incredible. I guess my question is, if there’s. Like any points that you want to bring out that weren’t brought out yet?

And if you say no, then maybe we could have a few minutes to talk about the book that you’re writing, his memoir. So what I’ll have to say, let’s say I want to like talk straight to like your audience and give over like what they could take out of this little, you know, this little piece that we’re doing together.

I would ask every single parent Right, because if the person who’s listening is a parent that experienced a loss, I would ask you that to really take care of yourself in your anxiety and in your sadness. It’s fine to feel sad and anxious and upset and, you know, and demanding answers by Hashem. All that is fine.

And, and there’s a process to it. But you need to understand that as a parent, you not only have responsibility to yourself, but to your children and grandchildren, to your spouse, and to the people around you. We are not people on an island. So if you are suffering, It’s not enough to say I’m suffering and it’s okay to suffer because I had a loss.

You need to take care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of the people around you. And in order to do that, there may be therapy, there may be support groups, there may be volunteer work, there may be just going on vacation, there may be just laughing or going out with friends.

You need to do those things. So I would say. Really take care of yourself and it doesn’t invalidate the loss that you had and it doesn’t invalidate that person who’s lost your experiencing. I really doubt that Hillel is in the mood of me Kvetching and crying about his death. Like he’s on to bigger and better things.

Like he’s really not in the mood of hearing that from me. The other thing I would say to, to anyone who’s experienced a loss. that whether you’re a sibling, whether you’re just a single person, whatever your loss is, it could be infertility. It could be, um, it could be losing a limb. It could be losing a sibling or a parent.

It could be the loss of losing a job, losing something precious to you. It could be any kind of challenge. I’m wanting something that didn’t happen.  A Shidduch

Right now, it may be difficult, but again, take care of yourself because what happens afterwards is so much greater. Maybe you’re never going to have money. Maybe you’re never going to have that child. Maybe you’re never going to have that shidduch. Maybe you’re never going to have that house or that friend. But if you will open up your heart, you will have something.

in a way that is so much richer and more beautiful and more deeply connecting. And if you take care of yourself, it’s not just like you mentioned, you know, going out with friends or laughing, maybe that’s part of it, but it’s really taking care of yourself emotionally and really like going deep inside of you.

Yes. But in any way that you need to do it, sometimes laughter is a way to bring you to that place. I mean, sometimes just taking a hot bath is a place to bring you more emotionally connected that when you get out of the bathtub, there’s a place that you could just, you know, grieve your loss or talk to a friend about it or to do something about it.

When you start volunteering or doing something in connection to your loss then you know you’re on to that road to recovery. So, that’s what I would say. Um, and as far as the memoir about Hillel, yes, I was hoping that the memoir would be out at the same time as Hillel and Paper menchies.

She’s, that was my hope. It didn’t happen. The memoir is really really a tribute to Hillel. I actually wrote it for teens, which means it’s really for teens. But I know that adults are going to love this book. Like, I have no doubt about that. Every adult who picks it up will really love it. But I wanted to give a book for teens because teens go through challenges the same way Hillel in the paper menchies she’s the book for kids with challenges who are younger.

This is a book for teens and young adults who are going through challenges. And again, I wanted to use Hellel Story as a way to tell teens stuff is hard, things happen, there are universal emotions that come along with challenges, and there are universal ways in which you could look at challenges, and through faith and humor, resilience, creativity, support, love, and hope, you can do it.

So that’s really like what I wanted to do with what I’m doing with the memoir. And I interviewed his friends and his rabbi and his siblings and his grandparents and cousins and my experience with him and also he spoke a lot. So, and I also have a lot of his own writing. He had to journal in fourth grade and sixth grade, and he used to write letters and used to write notes to me.

 So I have so much of his inner thoughts as well. And I have all of that. And the book is really just like all those experiences and saying. You’re not alone. You know, Hillel understands your friends understand. It just matter, how we bring out our innate ability to communicate and our innate faith in Hashem and our resiliency.

And every person has their own talents and creativity and ability to love and connect. And, here’s a book that will. Open that up for you, and tell you how, and it’s actually also like, again, it’s a funny book. There’s a lot of lighthearted parts. Um, definitely you’re going to laugh when you read the book and it’s interesting and it’s really just like a, it’s, it’s, yeah, it’s a good book.

I really, teens are really going to love it. So let me ask you one more question, and I’m just gonna put it out there to the audience that I’m in the middle of writing a book I’m starting to see the end for parents that lost Children, and I am looking for a title. So I just wanna put it out there that if anyone wants to email me

I’m open to all ideas, but I know that you are discussing titles and the titles that you were discussing. Like, especially for a teen, you know, like, why don’t you want to go with, a easier title? That’s very interesting. Right. Cause like, you know, Miriam and I on there on the same writing group.

 It’s called Soferit for all of you writers out there. And so many writers from all the big magazines and the world are on that group. And it’s just a fabulous group. Right? So I posted and says, you know, I’m writing this memoir for Hill and I need ideas for titles.

And I got such wonderful titles. So, there were different titles and the titles that I landed on. So, let’s say these were the three titles that I landed with. One was headstrong, one was short, but lived. And we said that the word but would be slanted like short lived.

And then the word but like at a different angle and one was 16 to life. But here’s the thing, Miriam, really, if you don’t know what the book is about, or even when you just look at the title, the title is only heavy because you know that Hillel die. Headstrong, there’s nothing heavy about Headstrong.

There’s nothing heavy about the word 16 to life. There’s nothing short but lived can mean anything. Which means technically they’re good titles, but I don’t know if they actually sound like a heavy title. So I think we just, yeah. So it’s a great question. I’m glad you asked that, but I wonder, you know, there were actually a lighter title.

So, I’m curious what you think. One person said, um, LOL, laugh out low. What? Yeah. So it’s a good one because it’s like, you know, so the reason why I didn’t want to take that one, because I felt that LOL is a time sensitive thing. So if I want this book to be relevant in 10, 15 years from now, maybe I know what LOL is at that point.

It might have evolved in the other , and also I felt it was invalidating because it is about a book about a boy that was Nifter at 16. So, I don’t know if I wanted that kind of like casualness. But, you know, so it’s an interesting question. It’s so hard, these titles and how to market a book and, it’s a question.

And again, even Hillel and the paper menchies she’s like, parents is going to say, Oh my goodness, am I going to pick up a book for my kids about that even has the word brain tumor? And my answer is yes, yes. Because don’t think for a second your kids are not carrying around the war in Israel or and knowing what happened on some level, or they’re not carrying around, when there were children that died in the fire, or they’re not carrying around all these news things about, about Trump or about Biden and all the worries that they’re having. Don’t think they’re not carrying these things around. Right. Even if they don’t have words, there’s so much out there. Children today are not protected anymore. I mean, let me ask you, Miriam.

In my days And I’m asking my audience, how many of you knew any kids in your class whose parents were divorced, who lost a parent, whose sister had a broken engagement, whose brother was Down syndrome? Let me tell you something. The one girl in my class with a Down syndrome brother. She didn’t know that brother existed because that brother was in a home someplace.

Wow. There was nothing. And today there is not a kid in the class who doesn’t, I mean, how many children are going to Shiva to their friend’s house. How many kids said, Oh, a boy came into class, and he has crutches, , or Chayim’s sister looks funny, , or I’m going to Chayim’s father’s house because his mother’s in a different house.

Right. This is so normal today. It’s like seriously normal . So it’s a different world today. And if you think that you’re sheltering your kids, all you’re doing is feeding into that secrecy is that if I show up to my kid, they’ll be fine. But I’m telling you as a therapist and even just as a parent, that all you do is foster that anxiety that has no place to go.

But I want to take something that Hillel, I’m not saying he was never nervous. But the same way your kids have their, the annuals and they get like their shots and they’re nervous. That’s how hillel was when he went to get his stuff. Yeah. Like, of course it’s like a little nerve wracking, but like, yeah, but it’s fine.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t like anxiety ridden. He slept very nicely every night except when he medication, you know, he slept, he fun. He was eating a, you know, he had Chulent and Kegel Thursday nights. No problem. And this book is not about a brain tumor. Like it’s really, it’s really a book about a challenge and just, it’s, and it’s lighthearted.

And if I can give it over to parents, if you could, if you can be that parent that it’s okay, like life has stuff, but it’s okay. This is what I hope that hill of paper mentions would do. And this is what I hope the memoir will do for teens. Like really it’s okay to talk about these things and we don’t, and it’s really just okay.

Wow. It’s amazing. Well, you’re doing so much to keep him alive and it’s not so much and his neshama have an Aaliyah and thank you so, so much for coming in. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.